Alone in Thought
by 14karatgold
Summary: She's alone. To have such an adventure, then to have it let down like that. She didn't know why he had to leave her, but the point was that he did, and now she's alone with her thoughts. R
1. Yesterday

Alone In Thought

Summary: What goes through Garnet's mind in that year without Zidane. I'm terrible with summaries. Songfic to the Beatles' 'Yesterday'. May end up being multichaptered, I haven't decided yet. Flashbacks and dreams are in brackets. Rated K+ I guess.

Uh, _italics_ are thoughts, and (inside parentheses) are flashbacks and such.

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy IX or The Beatles, let's just be honest.

_Chapter One: Yesterday_

_Yesterday,_

_All my troubles seemed so far away_

_Now it looks as though they're here to stay,_

_Oh I believe in yesterday._

Queen Garnet Sarah til Alexandros XVII stared down over the baluster of her uncle's airship at the thief that had stolen her heart. She kept her blurring eyes locked on his until they were too far away to see.

From this moment on, she was no longer Dagger. She couldn't be, not without him. She was the queen of Alexandria, an empty shell like the genomes of Terra, but she, unlike them, would never regain a soul.

As the Iifa tree shrunk to a tiny pinprick in the distance, she retreated to the cabin and cried herself to sleep in an armchair. Her quiet sobs and sniffles drew the attention of both the driver and her knight, Steiner. She was grateful that they both had enough sense to leave her be.

_Suddenly,_

_I'm not half the man I used to be_

_There's a shadow hangin' over me,_

_Oh yesterday._

_Came suddenly._

She stepped onto the roof of her castle with only a word of thanks to the driver and her uncle Cid for bringing her home. She would at least have to act strong for her people, so she forced on a smile, nodding to her servants as she passed them, making way to her room.

"Are you sure you'll be alright, Highness?" asked Beatrix who had just joined her after docking her own ship, the Red Rose, which Garnet had chosen to give to her.

"Yes, Beatrix, I'll be fine."

Beatrix, however knew better. The queen was never this stoic when she was fine, but instead of calling her on it, Beatrix sighed, saluted, and backed out of the room.

_Why she had to go I don't know _

_She wouldn't say._

_I said something wrong_

_Now I long for yesterday!_

It was then that Garnet swore, _I must move on, just like he taught me. He wouldn't want me to mope around and cry while my still-fragile city could crumble right beneath my feet. If I am depressed, my people are depressed. No. I want it to be beautiful when Zidane comes home._

_Yesterday_

_Love was such an easy game to play_

_Now I need a place to hide away,_

_Oh I believe in yesterday._

She dressed herself in one of her many gowns, a particular one, and stared in the mirror. It was the same dress that she had worn on her 16th birthday, and the same one that she had worn on her coronation. Both memories of him brought tears to her eyes, but the second was the most painful. She remembered, clear as the sea beneath her city, the look of hurt, of sadness, and the look of a lie behind Zidane's eyes as she left the group to become queen. She still wondered what he had been about to say.

("Well? Don't you have anything to say Zidane?" accused Freya as he stood gazing up at the queen-to-be.

"No," he said simply, coldly, as if he was trying to force his feelings from his mind with a wall of ice. His tail was limp, his eyes downcast as he tried to hide his grief. But Garnet could see right through him. Her heart screamed for her to tear off her crown and race into his arms; forsaking being a ruler, but simply being the teenage girl she was.

But her mind resisted. Who would take the throne if she refused it? She wanted to be with Zidane, but that was that was one person getting her attention as opposed to thousands in the city who would most likely suffer at the hands of a crueler monarch.

Her mind did the math; her heart was forced to listen.)

_Why she had to go I don't know _

_She wouldn't say._

_I said something wrong_

_Now I long for yesterday!_

It seemed the same case here. She couldn't let her own thoughts, however dark they may be, to overshadow those of her subjects. There was much work to do, and she was doing no good wiping her tears with a silk-gloved hand.

_Yesterday_

_Love was such an easy game to play_

_Now I need a place to hide away,_

_Oh I believe in yesterday…_

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_Review and tell me if this was absolutely horrid and I should not go on and never write again! Seriously. I live for critiques. _Don't let me die!_ Lol. Cheers y'all._


	2. Let it Be

_Chapter Two: Let it Be_

_When I find myself in times of trouble_

_Mother Mary comes to me,_

_Speaking words of wisdom,_

_Let it be._

The first few weeks were terrible for Garnet, and everyone around her. Now, not only was Zidane out of her reach, which he had never been before, but Eiko was staying with Garnet's aunt and uncle in Lindblum; Freya had returned to Burmecia to help rebuild; Amarant was off somewhere with Lani on the Outer Continent; Quina had become a gourmand and had returned to Qu's Marsh, all of them actually, to teach the young ones; Vivi was back at the Black Mage Village trying to develop a way to make new black mages for whatever purpose.

The only one with her was the one that had always been: Steiner, but even he had become increasingly distant as he and Beatrix drew closer to their wedding. The thought made Garnet chuckle. Never in her life had she seen such an opposite pair, and yet they seemed like Yin and Yang. Garnet sighed and scratched her head in amusement at the oddity, but it was true.

_And in my hour of darkness _

_She is standing right in front of me_

_Speaking words of wisdom_

_Let it be_

Her days followed a sickening routine of meetings all day long with her Parliament. She barely listened to anything they said and simply let her mind wander to what a normal seventeen year old _should_ be doing. Once meetings had adjourned, she spent the rest of her days walking through her streets that seemed to change even with a passing day. She would stop to talk to her people, but all of this was in the simple dress of a shirt and breeches.

Many members of her Parliament found this outfit unsuitable for a queen. When they finally got the nerve to point this fact out at her, she simply laughed and said, "I'll tell you what I told Steiner, 'Alright, I'll wear dresses, but I'll make you pay for the new ones I'll need to have,'" and she was barely able to walk straight as she hid her glee at the looks on their faces. No one made a derogatory comment about her apparel after that. But it was only later that she realized that without Zidane, she never would have thought about retorting like that. He had taught her so much, and without him, she would be a push-over of a queen and would be wearing dresses for the rest of her life.

_Let it be, let it be,_

_Let it be, let it be,_

_Whisper words of wisdom,_

_Let it be!_

But at night, when her mind was tired and her emotions were tousled and more exhausting than she wanted to deal with, _he _crept back into her thoughts. She would picture a scene involving a dirty, tired, but happy Zidane standing in her doorway and a dramatic 'drop whatever you're doing and run into his arms' act.

With this thought, she would wipe her silent tears and drift to sleep. Strangely, none of her dreams involved Zidane at all. Dreams are weird things in that way; they refuse to show you your deepest desires, or whatever was on your mind as you fell to sleep. However they do agree to take you on aimless adventures, or show you your deepest fears.

She would dream of his death, of returning to her incredibly maimed and unable to live for much longer.

Her dream on a particular night was of just that.

"Highness, there is someone wishing to see you in the front hall," said one of the Alexandrian Guards as Garnet did some paperwork at her desk in her room.

"Does this someone have a name?" she asked, eyes still fixed on the sheet before her.

"No, but he, or at least, we think it's a he, said he had a promise to keep." Garnet stopped what she was doing and looked out her window at the sunlight on her city.

In horror, she asked, barely audible, "You 'think' it's a he?"

"He's terribly injured, ma'am. His voice gives is the only thing that gives his gender away. Highness, he begs to see you. He says it is his last wish before he joins his brother at the place where the 'Angels of Death' go, whatever they are."

This was all Garnet needed to hear. She dropped her feather pen without wasting another second and whisked past the Guard and down the stairs. She saw the visitor curled up at the entrance to the castle, shivering on the floor cold stone floor. Garnet just realized it was snowing outside. (a/n: dreams are so confusing aren't they? From sun to snow, what the heck.)

She lifted the visitor's head and put it in her lap. She hoped, prayed to every god she knew that it wasn't him. As a perk, it didn't look like him. He was mangled, bruised, and cut and didn't seem to have a tail.

But it was. She would know those greenish sapphire eyes anywhere. They blinked. "I just wanted to see you," he murmured. She shushed and told him to save his strength. He shook his head. "I used it all to come here. You must move on, just like I taught you, just remember, I love you…" he stopped for a shaky breath, "have done since the day I knelt before you and said it was an honor to kidnap you." He held out an empty hand. Before she could take it, he muttered with his quickly waning strength, "I am returning the heart that I stole."

Garnet shook her head. "It's yours to keep." And with a final, weak grin and a clench of that hand, he was gone, just like Garnet's good night sleep.

_And when the broken hearted people_

_Living in the world agree,_

_There will be an answer_

_Let it be._

And so it was. She swore to never love again. It had brought too much pain than she could handle. She half wished that she could cut her shell of a heart out of her and cast it aside to end the pain. As it was, it was already snapped in two. She used the love of her people, her beloved Generals, Beatrix and Steiner (a/n: Steiner's a general now, just because), of her Aunt Hilda and Uncle Cid, and that of her old friends from her adventures (who occasionally would come to visit), to make up a weak stitch to hold it together.

She would awaken every morning with tears on her pillow, whether from crying herself to sleep, or crying in her dreams. But every morning, without fail, Beatrix would come into her with that day's schedule and paperwork and say, "Highness, here is today's work, and should I ask the maid to change your pillowcase?"

After a while of this, as soon as Beatrix would enter the room, Garnet would immediately say, "Thank you and yes," before the general even asked the question. Garnet would smile in good humor at her loyal subject as she backed out of the room leaving the queen to her privacy. However the morning after that dream was slightly different from her normal monotone of a morning.

"Actually, Garnet, that wasn't all I was going to say."

"Really?" said Garnet, slightly overly cheerful at the fact that her dream (nightmare) wasn't reality. "And since when have you started to call me 'Garnet'?" the young queen giggled. That really didn't bother her at all; she wasn't that type of person.

"Yes, really, and since today, I believe, but I could be wrong…" she trailed off, eyes smiling.

"Oh, alright then, but what's the news?" said the girl, getting out of bed and stretching. She yawned widely. "Excuse me," she apologized as she grabbed a brush for her hair. She insisted on doing things herself, having learned from… him… that she shouldn't always rely on others for what you can do yourself.

"I have your Aunt Hilda and your Uncle Cid waiting in the lounging room for you."

Garnet dropped the brush. "Is Eiko with them?"

"I believe she is, or at least I hope that that wasn't _Hilda_ whining on her way in," Beatrix shrugged.

"Tell them I'll be down in a moment. Oh," she added, "and remind the maid to—"

"Get you new pillowcases, I know," the General sighed.

The queen dressed quickly in an outfit she had randomly picked out and thrown on. She pulled her hair back in a low ponytail with a white bow and raced down do the lounge.

She cancelled her morning meetings to spend it with her family. She talked to Eiko about what she was feeling about Zidane's… disappearance.

"I'm just as broken hearted as you are, well," Eiko said with a knowing grin, "maybe a _little _less than you." In all seriousness (which was surprising for a now seven year old), she said, "All we can do is wait."

Garnet silently agreed as she sipped her tea. "But you can't wait too long," the younger girl added, "because it think you'll need to be married and have an heir by twenty and you're almost eighteen."

_I will wait as long as I must, _she thought and turned her attention to her aunt and uncle.

_For though they may be parted,_

_There is still a chance that they will see,_

_There will be an answer_

_Let it be._

She spent her whole day exploring Alexandria with Eiko. They watched a play in Ruby's minitheatre, jump roped with the two small girls outside the inn, and helped Ilia's grandmother with the little girl's dress, shopped a little, then returned, exhausted, to the castle.

With her family settled in the guest room, Garnet rummaged around under her bed for a certain ebony box with the large garnet that held Bahamut's power set in the middle of the lid, surrounded by the stones of the less powerful Eidolons.

She lifted the lid carefully, pushed aside the feathers of Alexander and Pheonix and ran her hand along the blade of a dagger. _Their _dagger. The one Zidane liked to keep on him at all times, the one that gave Garnet her beloved name, and the one that cut her hair—the one that he had given to her. The last of the sunlight crept through her room, enveloping her in heavenly golden light.

_You are always with me, _she thought, holding the hilt to her chest with both hands. If someone came in and saw her kneeling like that, they would have thought she was praying. In a way, she was. _But please, _please_, come home soon. Come home to me._

_Let it be, let it be,_

_Let it be, let it be,_

_Whisper words of wisdom_

_Let it be._

As her eighteenth birthday celebration loomed closer, Garnet's old friends began to reemerge from their corners of the world. As they entered into her finally rebuilt castle, she swiftly showed them to their rooms. Vivi's… offspring all had to share one room. When she asked about their… father, all of them did as he would have done in an uncomfortable situation: curled up a little, and straightened their hats. Though figuring out what this meant, the sight, made Garnet smile sadly. They were like mini-Vivis, every single one of them. So this was his project: making himself invincible through creating them. _So you finally found a solution, Vivi. Well done, my friend, well done _she thought this with no tears—she had no tears left to cry, but the burning feeling behind her eyes was enough.

She met with Freya and her husband Fratley, who, thankfully, had regained much of his memory by then, then a slightly less doom-bent Amarant walking silently beside Lani, and finally Quina, who, with much persuasion, agreed to become a full time chef for Garnet.

_The gang's all here,_ she thought sadly, _except for you._

_And when the night is cloudy,_

_There is still a light that shines on me,_

_Shine until tomorrow,_

_Let it be._

They ate dinner, conversing about their new lives happily making Garnet shine with happiness in spite of herself, and yet, even her sudden happiness was overshadowed by grief and emptiness. Still, she wouldn't let that ruin her evening.

The Vivis had much to say about their father, and the confusing memories he had given them, sometimes making the whole table shake with laughter. Most everyone there understood what the tiny black mages were saying, even if they didn't, and kindly explained it to them. It truly was a night to remember. But the thought of the play tomorrow nearly ruined Garnet's mood. Sure, it was her favorite play, but this time, there was no Zidane to whisk her off her feet.

She shook her head as though clearing her mind of it and made the best of this evening while it lasted.

_I wake up to the sound of music,_

_Mother Mary comes to me,_

_Speaking words of wisdom,_

_Let it be._

The morning of the play awoke Garnet more rudely than Beatrix did. The sounds of a happy, bustling, and recovered city soared threw her open window jolting her from an odd dream about the Water Guardian in all his fatness. She gave up resisting the flow, however infinite, of time while dressing in her favorite gown, which was beginning to get slightly tight. She would have to remember to send it to the seamstress tomorrow. She slipped the silk gloves on her hands, the pendant around her neck, and her crown atop her head. She took a deep breath as Steiner and Beatrix, who were waiting outside her bedroom door, flanked her towards her throne before it was even light.

She sank into it, feeling its comfort, but not really being comforted at all. _I must be strong, just like he taught me. Heh, I wonder how many times I've told myself that…_

_Let it be, let it be,_

_Let it be, let it be,_

_Whisper words of wisdom, _

_Let it be!_

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So? What did you think? First chapter better or second or both? Haha. I feel like the eye doctor…. What? Review please!!

.:kt:.


	3. Here Comes the Sun

This one is for Peace Love and Ringo Starr, who reminded me that I had this last chapter to update. And this is also for my brother, if he reads it, who was surprisingly impressed with my work on the first chapter at least--cheers love.

Chapter Three: Here Comes the Sun

As the theatre ship approached, the queen sighed. It was still dark, but as it docked, the sky got gradually brighter. By the time all of the people were in their seats, either in the stands or on the roof, the horizon had gone from dark blue to a pale pink, slowly brightening as Baku made the introductions before the play was to begin.

_Here comes the sun,_

_Here comes the sun,_

_And I say,_

"_It's alright!"_

As the queen's favorite play 'I Want to be Your Canary' went underway, she couldn't help but feel for how Marcus would eventually have to feel that the sun is betraying her. However in her case, the sun shines the outside shell of her to the world, while the moons reflect what she really feels. That is their purpose, is it not? For the sun to shine, and the moon to reflect. Garnet allowed herself a dry smirk.

_Little darlin'_

_It's been a long, cold lonely winter._

_Little darlin'_

_It feels like years_

_Since it's been here!_

"Neither cloud nor squall shall stop me!" she heard Marcus say from under his cloak. Why was he hidden so? She didn't remember this from reading the story. Curious to understand, she let the rest of the play soak through her mind and empower her paling memories of Zidane.

_Here comes the sun,_

_Here comes the sun,_

_And I say,_

"_It's alright!"_

"Since the sun lends me no ear," Marcus yelled a few scenes later, "I pray instead to the twin moons."

Garnet, as he said this, mouthed the words as he said them, eyes closed. "I beg thou, grant thee only wish," she murmured as he said it, "Bring my beloved Cornelia to me!" (a/n, I know the lines are probably wrong, but I'm trying to remember and its not going well.)

_Little darlin'_

_The smile's_

_Returning to the faces._

That may have been what she said as she lip-synced the way the words were supposed to go, but that's not what she heard. What she heard, was "Bring my beloved Dagger to me!" her eyes snapped open and she launched herself to the edge of the balcony, almost falling over it.

Little had she known that Beatrix and Steiner had quietly crept off of the balcony. Moving quietly was quite a feat for Steiner.

She saw a certain blonde someone with a tail, with the dark cloak she had brooded over at his feet. She turned swiftly on a heel and down the stairs as quickly as her delicate slippers would allow, eventually kicking them off in restlessness and ran at full tilt towards the door.

_Little darlin' _

It seems like years

_Since it's been here!_

As she reached the door and saw her generals blocking it, she pleaded with her eyes as it opened. They smiled down at her and she returned it with a genuine smile, one that she hadn't used in a year.

_Here comes the sun,_

_Here comes the sun,_

_And I say,_

"_It's alright!"_

_Sun, sun, sun; here it comes!_

By now, the sun was creeping over the theatre ship, creating a sort of spotlight where Zidane was. He was now off the stage and near the crowd awaiting his Dagger to be returned to him.

_Little darlin' _

_I feel that ice is slowly meltin'._

_Little darlin',_

_It seems like years _

_Since it's been clear._

Dagger, no, not Garnet, but _Dagger_ felt the ice shielding her heart slowly fading away to nothing, and the weak stitches around the pieces gave way to strong rope, forcing her heart back together.

As she pushed her way through the crowd, for some reason or another, her pendant flew from around her neck. She stopped briefly to stare at it. Her heart did the calculations this time, and won.

And so she did that dramatic act that she had dreamt to do for so long. She threw off her crown and jumped into the arms of the only man she would ever love with her whole heart. Well, that is until they had a son. She smiled at that thought.

She pounded him in the chest as he held her tightly, afraid she might disappear if he didn't, but each blow got weaker until it drifted away into nothingness. She searched his eyes briefly, but only found love and happiness there.

"How did you survive?" she muttered so only he could hear.

"I sang our song, and it brought me home to you…" he ended that with a kiss that was long overdue.

_Here comes the sun,_

_Here comes the sun,_

_And I say,_

"_It's alright,"_

"_It's alright…"_

So the difference between her and Marcus, was that the sun lent her every ear it had, and when she called, it answered.

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Well? How was it? And don't be nice. I need this; critiques are my sustenance, good or bad.

R&R.S.V.P.

KT


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